It’s 1 in the morning, and I can’t sleep. The moon is full, and I’ve just gotten off a video Skype with my father, knowing that if all doesn’t go well, it could be the last time I talk to him. That’s the bitch about living so far away… when s*** happens, you just can’t be there.

My husbands family couldn’t come to our wedding. None of the Grandparents could come for the birth of our son. And tomorrow morning at 8am (EST) my father will undergo open-heart triple bypass surgery. And I can’t be there.

Well, I could. I could have have made my excuses to work, and hopped a plane just to make sure that I could see him before (and hopefully after) this horridly invasive procedure, but he didn’t want it. Buddy is two. I have too much going on over here with my own family, and he’d rather that we take the time to visit when he’s healed and can enjoy our company. Of course I understand, I’d probably say the same myself… but there is that nagging thought. What if he’s one of the 3% that don’t make it. What if he doesn’t wake up. The thought brings tears to my eyes, and makes me sneak into my son’s room and give him an extra cuddle. What would I do, and what would I want if it were my and my son instead?  I don’t know.

But one thing I do know, is that I am so grateful for todays technology.  We video skype almost every weekend, to make sure my parents feel a part of my son’s life, and mine. My brother will keep me updated on his Blackberry about the surgery… as he hears updates from the doctors. Technology has enabled our family to be closer, although we’re all farther away.

I imagine the next 18 hours will drag, until I receive some news about the outcome of the surgery. Thankfully my son will do his utmost to distract me from my anxiety.

Thinking of family. Thinking of my dad, and all of the pain he’ll have to endure in his recovery. And I’m worrying about the stress he’ll be feeling, fearing that he won’t see his grandkids grow, and see the kind of parents we’ll be.  Thinking of my mom, who although she is the thorn in my side, the oil to my water… is still suffering the unimaginable fear of losing the thing most important to her. And thinking of my brother, who has big problems of his own, but is putting them aside to support my dad in his hour of need.

If you are contemplating doing as I did… and picking up and starting your own life somewhere far from where your core family is, you should be aware that this day will come.  In March we received the scary phone call that dad had a stroke, was in the hospital, and we didn’t know how permanent the damage was (thankfully, he made a near full recovery from that). It was a helpless feeling.  This week it’s the triple bypass.  Handily the scariest situation that we’ve had to deal with as a family. And one of these days, knock wood it won’t be soon, the call will be even darker. I dread that day more than ever.

Now if anyone has some suggestions about how I can get to sleep, I’d be grateful for it. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow, and I don’t think Buddy is going to let me take it off.

 

 

 

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